[Craic] Christianity

[Allan Baker]

Trigger Alert! 
Some of the CRAIC folk may be amused by the following column, and my apologies to those who are not followers of “Christianity”.
Stay hopeful;
Allan


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Now for something completely different 
By Jim Taylor
 
Thursday January 13, 2022
 
The only channel where I can watch Jeopardy is a U.S. channel out of Seattle. So, in addition to the contestants’ wit and wisdom, I get to listen to ads for U.S. pharmaceutical products.
            The first few lines urge you to try the drug. Followed by a full minute – or, in magazines, a full page, or more -- of warnings about possible risks and side effects.
            It got me thinking that maybe other human institutions should be equally up-front about potential consequences.
            Maybe political parties should caution campaign workers: “Getting involved may cause you lose your sense of impartiality. Politics has been known to disrupt family relationships…”
            Military recruiting posters might include a line: “Potential risks may include  death or dismemberment.”
            Or how about fanatic allegiance to a sports team -- the Saskatchewan Roughriders, say: “May affect colour vision, rendering all colours but green invisible. May have financial implications for travel to distant games; before becoming a Roughrider believer, talk to your credit counsellor…”
 
Caveats about Christianity
            But surely the most obvious target would be religion. So I’ll chose the one I know best-- Christianity.
            Imagine the caveats!
            Christianity has over 2000 years of testing and development. It can renew and refresh your life. It can bring comfort in times of pain, relief in times of grief, and can help you clarify your attitude to life. 
            But you should be aware…
            Christianity can also have significant side effects, including but not limited to, blindness to other faiths, intolerance of other viewpoints, and addiction to biblical proof-texting. Do not commit to Christianity without testing your level of credulity. 
            Christianity is not a cure for depression or suicidal impulses. 
            Do not take Christianity if you have allergies to Popes, Bishops, Deacons, Pastors, Ministers, and/or group therapists. 
            Do not turn to Christianity if meaningless platitudes, quotes taken out of context, or memorized liturgical responses induce nausea.
            You will be asked to believe that a few drops of water can quench the eternal fires of hell, and that a tasteless wafer is actually bread.
            Mainstream Christianity is not recommended if you have religious pre-conditions, such as participation in Hare Krishna, charismatic Pentecostalism, or any  Presbyterian court. 
            When practicing Christianity, avoid books by Thomas Merton or Eckhardt Tolle. Richard Rohr’s writings may cause dyspepsia. Anything written by Teilhard de Chardin, Karl Rahner,  or John Shelby Spong may cause migraine headaches. 
            Beware of generic imitations of Christianity. Insist on the original and only true formulation. Do not be misled by Scientology, Eckankar, or Theosophy. Also avoid contemporary paraphrases of the Bible, which may result in cognitive dysfunction.
            Take Christianity exactly as prescribed -- weekly. Overdoses cannot be counteracted by either Naloxone or EpiPens . Taking Christianity less frequently may result in reduced immunity when Jehovah’s Witnesses ring your doorbell. 
            If you notice your friends’ eyes glazing over whenever you speak, do not call 911. Get yourself to the nearest addiction-group meeting immediately. 
            Keep Christianity and its doctrinal texts out of the reach of children, as their frontal lobes are not yet sufficiently developed to handle the complexities of Christian teachings. 
            Consult your spiritual advisor about the merits of taking Christianity regularly. Then enjoy your new life!
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